Queen of the Tower
by Moonghost49
Summary: We all know who's REALLY in charge. Tower shenanigans, teamfic, team bonding. Post AoU
1. Chapter 1

**This is something that kinda happened over Facebook chat with the lovely madmatchstick, inspired by 's "Laws of Friendship" (which is fantastic, by the way). This takes place in my happy fantasy land, where everyone lives together in the tower. Because I said so.**

 **Rated T for language and suggestive humor.**

 **Marvel owns all the cool stuff, the ridiculousness is all me.**

 **-uuu-**

It happened so gradually, Tony wasn't quite sure when exactly it began.

Tony fiddled with the controls to his big screen TV on the common floor of Avengers tower, while Pepper tapped away on her Starkpad beside him. His brow furrowed and he exhaled suddenly in annoyance, earning a quick glance up from his girlfriend.

"When the hell did that happen?" he muttered to himself, looking slightly bewildered.

"When did what happen?" Pepper replied, still half distracted by her work.

" _This_ ," he gestured vaguely at the room around them, "all of it. When did my tower stop being _my_ tower?"

Now it was Pepper's turn to furrow her brow as she looked up at him again. "What are you talking about?"

Tony jumped up and started pacing in front of the couch. "When was the last time we threw a raging party?"

"One could argue that every day with all you superheroes here is already a raging party," Pepper's voice was dry, "but aside from that, maybe New Year's last year?"

Tony waved impatiently at her. "Yes, and do you remember what happened with _that?"_

" _I_ do," Pepper smirked, " _you_ don't. You and Clint got trashed and started trying to see how many people you could bounce a ping pong ball off of in a row, 'for research'. Which was fine until you coated them with different colored paint-"

"Barton was cheating!"

"- and then Tasha knocked you both unconscious."

Tony scowled and rubbed his head as if remembering that part. "Exactly, knocked out at my own damn party. No respect at all. And that's the only one we've thrown in, what, a year and a half?"

Pepper tilted her head thoughtfully. "Yes, I suppose so. Why?"

"I'm getting to that. When was the last time we had a guys' night in?"

Pepper smiled, "That would be last time we had a girls' night out."

"Do you remember what happened when you got back?"

Pepper frowned. "Well yeah, same as always. We came back to find the place trashed, so I had Friday lock you all out of the gym and the labs until you cleaned up after yourselves. What are you getting at?"

Tony's scowl deepened as he muttered something like _locked out of my own lab_ and turned to face Pepper again. "That's only the beginning. I hardly ever get to have a drink anymore. Steve has stopped wearing old man sweaters. Thor hasn't broken anything in _weeks_. Clint stopped dropping by the lab with prank ideas. And anytime I bring any of this up in front of Bruce, he just looks away and changes the subject!" He threw his hands up in the air. " _Don't you see what's happening?"_

Pepper just looked at her boyfriend, one eyebrow delicately raised. "So?"

" _So_?" Tony repeated, clearly frustrated as he ran his hands through his hair.

"Miss Potts," Friday's smooth lilting voice interrupted, "Happy is ready for you with the car."

"Thank you, Friday," Pepper locked her Starkpad and stood , smoothing down the crisp business skirt she'd worn to work earlier that day. "I have to go, but I'll see you after dinner. Be good while I'm gone." She kissed him quickly on the cheek and immediately headed for the elevator, which Friday had waiting.

Tony stared after her until the closing doors blocked his view.

An arm dropped onto his shoulder with a soft chuckle, and he jumped.

"So," Clint started casually, handing him a beer, "you finally started to figure it out."

Tony tossed him a dirty look but took the beer gratefully and took a healthy swig.

"Did I hear that right? Is Tony finally catching on?" Bruce called from the hall as he walked in, balancing his Starkpad atop a tall stack of reports.

"Seems like it," Clint responded as he took a swig of his own beer.

Tony's head whipped back and forth between the two of them as Bruce made a beeline for the couch. "I'm catching on to what now?"

"Hopefully, the fact that Pepper basically runs your life," Clint grinned and saluted with his beer bottle right before he drained the last of it.

"With Natasha's help, of course," Bruce added helpfully. "And possibly some of the other women. We're still not sure on that one."

"Don't worry buddy, it's not just you," Clint slapped Tony's shoulder in solidarity before moving towards the bar.

"What, Pepper runs your lives too?" Tony snarked as Clint began pouring drinks.

"Pepper, Natasha, same difference," Bruce shrugged as he started flipping through his reports. "They're both perfectly capable of keeping us more or less in line. But together? We're fucked."

"Did Tony finally figure it out?" Sam asked as he walked in and headed for the kitchen. "You're lucky they're not here, by the way. I could hear you from down the hall."

"Eh," Bruce shrugged, "they've got no problem with me as long as I stay out of their way. You two, on the other hand-" he looked pointedly at Tony, then Clint- "are troublemakers. Lost causes, both of you."

"Hey, I resemble that," Clint smirked as he handed Tony a drink and proceeded to down half of his own.

Tony squinted at the glass. "Is this my good bourbon?"

"Hell fucking yes it is." Clint saluted him and downed the rest of it.

"What the fuck Barton, don't you share?" Sam called over the sound of pans clanking in the kitchen.

"Nope! Get your own, Fly-boy," Clint called back. "Tony's is a one-time deal. It's not every day you have an epiphany like this one."

Sam tossed as glare in Clint's direction as he passed by to get to the bar. "Fine. No stir-fry for you."

Clint shrugged. "I'm feeling Mexican tonight anyway. You coming Cap?"

Steve looked over at Clint as he entered the room, his eyebrow going up as he noticed the empty glass in his hand. "Sure. I'll meet you there? Just text me the address. "

"Will do. See you there." Clint grinned and waved. Steve just shook his head and got in the elevator. There was a pause.

"Ten bucks says he already texted Natasha and Pepper to tell them you're both drinking before noon again," Bruce said as soon as he was sure Steve was gone.

"Twenty says they already knew about it, somehow" Sam interjected, glass in hand as he headed back to his stir-fry.

"Ten says they will not bring it up until tomorrow," Vision joined in as he phased through the wall next to the door, making Tony jump and almost spill his drink.

"What makes you say that?" Tony asked, taking a hasty sip.

Vision shrugged. "It's just a hunch."

"Well, whatever. Works just fine for me. Looks like I'm off my new leash tonight, boys. We're going to need more tequila."

Clint just grinned and did a fist pump. Bruce sighed and shook his head. "I have a terrible feeling about this."

-uuu-

A figure sat in a dark room, legs crossed casually before a wall of holoscreens. The blue light from various security feeds illuminated the contrast between glossy crimson curls, porcelain skin, and smirking ruby lips. A click of heels at the door drew piercing green eyes away from the screens to rest on the tall strawberry-blonde woman approaching. Her heels clicked to a stop beside the chair, and she rested one manicured hand on the arm of the seated woman.

"How's progress?" she asked, blue eyes flicking between screens.

The ruby smirk widened. "Things are coming along as expected. Looks like no one will be home this evening."

"Perfect," the smirk was returned, "because those last minute spa passes were tricky to get. I don't know what I'd do without Friday."

"Believe me, the feeling is mutual Miss Potts," the AI replied immediately. Pepper shot a warm smile up at the ceiling.

"And while we're off having girl time, you can explain to me exactly how much of this plan was a response to Clint's taunts about being able to beat you in a prank war." Pepper raised an eyebrow at her friend.

Natasha raised an eyebrow in return, her face completely blank. Pepper held her gaze until she finally blinked and turned back to the screens.

"Oh, fine," she sighed, "stop smirking at me. This was partially your idea too."

"That is true," Pepper conceded with a solemn nod and a squeeze of her friend's arm. "I'll meet you downstairs?"

"Yeah, I'll be right there." Natasha studied the screens for a moment as Pepper's steps left the room and faded down the hall. Her eyes caught on the living room footage just in time to see Clint down his glass of bourbon. He smirked directly up at the camera and mouthed 'Game on.'

"Oh, it's game on all right," she murmured as a wicked smirk stole across her face. "You boys won't know what hit you."

-uuu-

"So remind me why we're still here again?" Pepper was laid back against the edge of the hot spring, hair tied in a knot atop her head. She fingered a flyaway lock that had escaped next to her face -the air was humid enough that it was starting to curl a little.

"Because this place is fantastic, and you could use it after the week you've had," Natasha replied, eyes closed and a look of bliss on her features. Some of her curls were beginning to escape their knot too. Pepper idly wondered if she'd remembered her straightener.

"A better question would be why am _I_ here," Maria sighed as she stretched out fully, letting her legs float a little. "Not that I'm complaining, mind you. This place is amazing."

"Bribery, " Natasha said dryly, cracking one eye open to gauge her friend's reaction. "I'm hoping to buy your non-interference with some plans I have in place."

"Hmmm," Maria sighed, "I figured. If it's for what I'm thinking, you have my cooperation."

"Excellent." Natasha's smile was slightly predatory. "They should be waking up after their binger right about now. Friday promised to send us the highlights of their reactions."

"You're getting footage too? Excellent," Maria smiled appreciatively. "Can I send it to the director? He enjoys this kind of thing more than he'll admit."

"After," Natasha waved her hand dismissively. "We'll have a better compilation by then anyway."

"True," Pepper nodded with a smirk. "Anyone else hungry?"

-uuu-

The day at the tower was starting out much less relaxing.

Clint groaned his way to the land of the living at about 11am. His head was pounding but the room wasn't spinning, so he considered that a win. He was facedown on the floor of the rec room, which had surprisingly comfortable carpeting. Maybe not so surprising, he reconsidered as he heard distinctly Tony-like snores coming from somewhere off to the side (he didn't want to risk turning his head to look). Tony probably passed out on the floor in here a lot.

Clint cautiously lifted his head. It throbbed, but not worse than a concussion (yay assassin pain thresholds) so he carefully pushed himself into a sitting position. The first thing he noticed was that his clothes smelled like tequila and sick (eww). The second thing he noticed was the game screen on the wall, which was currently filled with the pink-themed hearts-and-flowers pause screen for - _oh god_ \- a japanese love-love yaoi dating sim, if the suggestive graphics in the bottom corner were legitimate.

"What the actual _fuck_." He winced at the dryness of his own voice - apparently drunk Clint hadn't been kind enough to keep him hydrated.

"Wussat," Tony mumbled from behind the couch. Clint heard him shift around and groan horribly. His head probably hurt too.

"Tony…" Clint said cautiously, noticing for the first time the two player names twirling in flower petals across the pause screen.

Something in his tone must have made it through the fog of Tony's hangover, because an arm immediately appeared over the top of the couch. With another groan of pain, Tony managed to haul himself (mostly) upright. "Mnn?" he asked articulately, eyes still bleary and hair sticking up all over.

"Tony." Clint said again, finger pointing to the screen.

Tony thought about it a moment before his eyes finally followed the direction his friend had indicated, blinking slowly at the screen. There was a pause. Then a sudden look of horror came over him.

"What-!" he nearly squeaked, his disbelief apparent.

There, on the screen before him (and every other screen in the tower, if the little icon in the top corner was to be believed), were the usernames _TheIron_Hammer_ and _TheIron_Hand_.

Clint snorted in amusement.

"Friday, delete that!" Tony's face was red with embarrassment, and he still looked rather ill. Clint almost felt bad for him.

Silence.

"Friday?" Tony was starting to look really concerned now, moving towards the table console. He pulled up the holoscreen and froze in shock.

Floating across the screen was a neatly written message: _Thanks for the day off, Mr. Stark. Please remind Agent Barton that he only has that game license checked out for two more days. I will notify you when I get back. - Friday._

Clint started laughing now, despite how it made his head throb worse. Tony stared at him in confusion as he pulled himself to his feet with a wince.

"Touche," he told the ceiling with a smirk and a shake of his head. "Crap, where do we keep the painkillers."

-uuu-

 **So here's chapter 1! There will be more once I manage to kick my muse into gear. I have plans. Evil plans. *laughs***

 **Reviews/feedback welcome!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you so much for reading! I appreciate you :)**

 **It took longer than anticipated to get this out. It was a combo knockout from having issues with my relationship AND both my grandmothers having medical issues AND then (to top it all off) I lost my job, too. The struggle has been real.  
Quick note - I referenced a cool story by a different author in my last note, and the author's name got cut off for some reason. I fixed it. You should check it out. **

**And we're off for more tower shenanigans.**

 **I still own nothing.**

-uuu-

Their arrival back at the tower was every bit as dramatic as Natasha was expecting.

The elevator doors slid open silently without Friday to announce them, but all heads immediately swiveled in their direction anyway.

Bruce was the first to look away, nudging Steve to resume stirring the pasta in front of him before it burned to the pan. Wanda tossed a smile in their general direction before handing plates to Sam, who tossed a concerned glance at Tony and Clint before giving in to her direction to set the table.

"Welcome back Miss Potts, Agent Romanoff, Agent Hill," Vision greeted them formally with a small smile. "Lunch is nearly ready for you." Tony tossed them a dirty look from where he sat hunched over a cup of coffee, looking still somewhat out of it. They ignored him.

"Thanks Vision, but I'm afraid duty calls," Maria replied with a smile of her own and a quick wave to everyone else. "I just dropped in to say hi and to steal my quinjet keys back."

Clint walked in with said keys in hand and tossed them to her with a cocky salute. Maria caught them easily and whistled cheerfully to herself as she left.

"At least someone's in a good mood," Tony muttered darkly as he nursed his coffee.

Natasha smirked as Pepper moved to kiss his cheek and pour her own coffee.

"What, Stark, are you not a morning person?" Natasha asked airily, making a beeline for the steaming plate Clint filled and held out for her.

"He got a bit of a shock when we woke up in the rec room this morning," Clint volunteered, filling his own plate and choosing a seat at the table.

"Oh?" Natasha feigned surprise perfectly. "Do tell." She ruined it with a smirk as she turned back to Tony. He just glowered.

"Be nice, Nat," Clint kicked her foot under the table. "It's no fair to antagonize him before he's caffeinated. You should have seen him earlier."

Natasha's smirk widened suggestively. Sam choked on his food.

"I don't think that's what Clint meant," Steve tried intervene as Sam cleared his throat.

"Are you sure, Cap?" Sam caught his breath enough to snicker. "I saw that memo earlier too, you know."

"Well yeah, sure," Clint shrugged, " but not with TONY. I do have standards, you know."

"Hey!" Tony protested, mouth still full of food. Pepper wrinkled her nose and sighed.

"Besides," Clint continued as though he hadn't heard him, "that game was awful, they totally botched the ending." It was Bruce's turn to snort in amusement.

"I don't even want to know," Steve shook his head and attempted to focus on his food. Pepper patted his shoulder in consolation.

"Barton. We still on for a sparring session this afternoon?" Natasha's smile was mischievous and made Bruce very glad she didn't like to spar with the Hulk.

"After the shit you pulled this morning? You're on, Romanoff." Clint's grin was cocky. Sam considered whether to risk injury to watch the shitshow about to go down between the two assassins. Probably worth it.

Natasha matched Clint's grin and slipped away to get changed while the others continued eating. Pepper pulled out her Starkpad and made a note for Friday to order more pasta. The way the Avengers ate, it seemed like they were always running out.

Tony perked up a bit, his coffee finally kicking in. Pepper quietly poured him another mug. The smile he gave her in return made her remember why she fell for him in the first place. She kissed his cheek again and returned to her Starkpad.

A sudden ominous feeling from down the hall sent shivers down her spine. Pepper turned instinctively towards the hallway as the feeling intensified, noting as she did the twin cheshire grins Clint and Tony were suddenly sporting.

Natasha reappeared from the hallway with an expression like murder. She said nothing as she stalked towards the table and drove a knife into the wood next to Tony's hand, making him jump.

"Fix. It." She hissed between clenched teeth. Tony looked torn between pissing himself in fear and bursting into giggles.

"Tasha, what- ?" Pepper asked cautiously, shocked.

The fitted workout leggings and matching top she wore were pretty standard for Natasha. The bright magenta hue, on the other hand, was not.

"You guys do know that she has an irrational _hatred_ for that color, right?" Bruce asked conversationally as he continued eating.

"I've heard most redheads do," Wanda said cautiously, "they say it clashes with their hair. Although on Natasha...it looks unfairly good."

"Lucky bitch," Pepper muttered, tossing a half smile in her friend's direction as dangerous green eyes flicked towards her.

Clint whistled. "Lookin' good, Tasha. Shame it only lasts a few hours."

Natasha turned to look at him and wiped her face blank of all expression. Clint grinned at her, unrepentant.

"Isn't it a nice change from all that black?"

"Black like where her heart used to be," Tony muttered under his breath. Natasha adjusted her knife sharply without looking at him, causing him to jerk back away from her.

"I hope you knew better than to get into my wardrobe as well," Pepper said conversationally as she finished her meal. "I can't pull off that color with my hair nearly half as well as Tasha does."

"I would make yours the color of awesome," Tony muttered, clearly petulant that she thought he'd actually do such a thing. Pepper huffed and rolled her eyes.

"Aw c'mon Pep, I would!"

She ignored him and got up to take her dishes over to the sink.

"Fine, don't believe me," he scowled at his coffee.

"One word, Tony," Pepper replied as she started helping Steve with the dishes. "Strawberries."

Clint took one look at Tony's guilty face and giggled so hard he fell off his chair and lay laughing on the floor.

Natasha pulled her knife out of the table, obviously deciding that Tony had been punished enough. The threat removed, Tony mumbled something about his lab and quickly left the room. Natasha turned her gaze on her partner, who was wiping tears from the corners of his eyes and catching his breath. Slowly she smirked.

"Hey, Barton?"

"Yeah?" he pushed himself into a sitting position.

"Last one to the sparring gym spots for dinner." As the last word left her lips, she was already pivoting and sprinting for the hall. Clint cursed and flipped to his feet to go after her.

The remaining team members watched them go.

"Money, the usual, on Barton getting injured somehow," Steve offered.  
"Double that if there's blood," Sam put in.

"Done!" Rhodey smirked. "Natasha won't risk getting blood on the carpet. It upsets Pepper."

"I would have to get all new carpeting installed. And I _like_ the carpeting in there. Wait, do you think I could get her to make him bleed on Legal's floor? Their carpeting is horrendous. Tony picked it just to piss off his PR team."

"Interesting how everyone assumes it is Agent Barton who will be bleeding. Could it not be Agent Romanoff?" Vision inquired. "He is a master assassin too, after all."

"Nope. She's gonna destroy him," Sam cackled and rubbed his hands together. "Come on people, it's showtime!"

-uuu-

"Oh darn, I've ruined it," Natasha deadpanned, gesturing towards a few red droplets staining her (still pink!) leggings. Not that Clint could see that very well, since said legs were pinning him to the mat in a very uncomfortable position. Rhodey scowled as he handed cash over to Steve and Sam.

"Were you even _trying,_ Barton?" Bruce asked as Natasha finally let her partner up. Clint had light lines of red crisscrossing evenly all over his arms from one of Natasha's knives. Bruce sighed and reached for his accelerated healing cream.

"Trying doesn't get you far when Tasha's feeling vindictive," Clint replied ruefully, throwing half a please-don't-kill-me smile in his partner's direction. She was busy examining the blood red streaks she'd managed to make on her legs due to her leg-based acrobatic fighting style. She nodded in satisfaction.

"You know, it's not so bad with your blood on it, Barton."

"Ha ha," he replied dryly, "You're hilarious, Romanoff. But I think you're slipping." He grinned wickedly and opened his palms to show he'd snatched several of her throwing knives. Her eyes narrowed. "Care to test your speed, Tasha?"

Her answering smirk was downright predatory. "Bring it."

-uuu-

It was later, as most of the team was lounging in front of the bigscreen watching some trashy rerun, that they heard the scream.

There was a pause, then angry banging, then a crash. And then:

"What the _fuck_ , Barton! Can't a girl get dressed in peace?"

" _How?_ "

"How what?"

"You _know_ what!"

"Move your ass, Barton. If I have to have a stupid conversation with you, I need a drink first."

Heads whipped back to the screen as everyone's favorite spysassins stalked in, Natasha making a beeline for the bar as Clint trailed her with a scowl, tossing the occasional mournful glace at his handful of bright pink arrows.

Natasha snatched a bottle of vodka from a cubby in the back (where Stark hid all the good stuff. Asshat) and dropped into an empty seat. She took a long pull straight from the bottle and pulled her legs up comfortably before leveling her gaze at her partner as he dropped down beside her. She waited.

"Tasha. How the _fuck_ did you swing this?" He indicated the pink arrows still in his hand. She raised an eyebrow. Steve caught himself staring at them and quickly turned his head again, watching out of the corner of his eye.

Natasha took another drink.

"You were with me _the whole time_. I watched you go into your room. So how the _hell_ did you find the opportunity to rig this?"

Natasha just smirked at him. "Trade secret, Barton." He scowled at her.

"Maybe she had help," Tony interjected, giving up all pretense of ignoring their conversation.

"Nah, the Black Widow likes to work alone." Sam shook his head.

"Not true. She works with Katniss all the time, they seem pretty chummy," Tony replied.

"Not right now they don't," Bruce muttered under his breath.

The elevator opened and Jane stumbled out, an overlarge stack of papers in her arms obstructing her view. Darcy trailed behind her, grabbing stray sheets as they fell. Bruce quickly jumped up to help her.

"Evening, super dudes," Darcy waved with her free hand. "What'd I miss?"

"Not much. Barton screamed like a girl." Sam's smug grin was unaffected by the glare Clint was sending in his direction.

" _Please_ tell me you got that on tape."

"Come on, Darcy," Jane interrupted as she and Bruce made their way towards the door, her pile much smaller than before. "We have work to do. And we need to get to it before the kids start fighting again."

"I'll be there as soon as I find food," Darcy said with a shrug.

Tony scowled at Bruce and Jane's retreating backs. "So much for team science," he muttered. "Send me a pie down in the lab. Friday and I will be busy." He left the room with a sulky slump to his shoulders.

"I got his, and the rest of team science," Darcy volunteered. "If I don't feed the scientists, they get all hangry and blow stuff up."

The elevator opened again, admitting a team of Stark Industries security personnel piled high with pizza boxes. Natasha elbowed Clint and smirked at him. He got up with a sigh and fished out his wallet.

Sam brought a stack of pizza boxes over to Darcy and slipped her a wad of cash as he handed them over. She grinned and bounced up to kiss his cheek before bouncing away down the hall to feed her scientists. Natasha raised an eyebrow at him. He shrugged.

"What? He woke me up at 3am last week, testing some upgrade Stark swung on his exploding arrows. Now we're even."

Wanda wandered in and pulled up short when she saw Natasha, still cross-legged and dressed head to toe in pink with her bottle of vodka cradled in her lap.

"I know, Barton swears it'll wear off in another hour or two." Natasha smiled wryly. "I've got the whole tower booby-trapped for my revenge. I wouldn't walk to close to Barton or Stark for a few days." Steve looked mildly concerned.

Natasha's smile was feral. Barton got off on this shit, he thought it was great fun. But Stark...Stark was not going to have a good day tomorrow.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello! I'm back again! It's been forever, I know. I'm still job hunting, and I feel guilty if I spend too much time on fun stuff (like this story), so…**

 **I finished this sooner than I probably would have otherwise as a graduation present for my darling cousin (I'm so proud of her! She makes me feel old lol).**

 **Shoutout to all the lovely people who favorited or followed this story. You are my inspiration to keep going and I think you're pretty cool, so yeah there's that.**

 **You probably noticed that I love me my Marvel ladies. But I will also admit to adoring sassy Bruce, and I am rather partial to our favorite assassins. Clint is way too much fun to write and I have a huge crush on Nat (that she would totally kill me for. She's not really the huggy type, you know?).**

 **Special thanks to madmatchstick, who I force to read everything before I post (shut up, she likes it).**

 **Blah blah blah, I still own nothing. Reminder that this is rated T for language and the occasional suggestive humor.**

-uuu-

"Wait, so you're doing this for _what_ exactly?"

Steve leaned against the metal counter in Tony's lab, his arms crossed and his brow furrowed as he watched his teammate tinkering on the opposite counter. Sparks flew as Tony carefully fused something together. There was a whirring noise and a click as something fitted into place. Tony let out a satisfied hum.

"Tony." He looked up at the sound of his name as if startled.

"You're still here? And I already told you. You should let me check your hearing aids, Grandpa."

"Very funny. Stop changing the subject." Steve sighed. "All you said was 'payback.' That doesn't really tell me what you're actually doing."

"It's fairly simple, Captain." Tony set the piece he was working on aside and picked up the next piece and a screwdriver. "Payback. Little Red embarrasses me with sneakiness and the element of surprise. I return the favor."

"That...still tells me absolutely nothing." Steve sighed.

"I'm going to surprise her, literally," Tony replied in a distracted voice as he fiddled with his project. "And when she shrieks and jumps, I'm going to record it and send it to every single SHIELD agent before she has the chance to hack my feed. It's going to be hilarious. And Friday is going to help this time, _right Friday?_ " The last part was directed at the ceiling with a fierce scowl.

"I believe I have already been properly lectured on where my priorities lie, sir." Friday managed to sound meek and annoyed at the same time.

"Damn right you have," Tony muttered, casting the ceiling another dark look as he attached two pieces together. "You're _my_ creation. You're supposed to be on _my side_."

"Yes, sir." Steve couldn't tell if the AI meant that response to be cheeky or not.

Tony threw his new creations and few tools into a bag and slung it over his shoulder.

"Oi Barton, you coming?"

"Oh _hell_ no," came the response from up in the rafters. Tony turned and shot him an incredulous look.

"Seriously? After the thing with the arrows? Are you kidding me?"

"Nah man, you don't try to fucking _surprise_ the Black goddamned Widow. I'm out."

Tony snorted. "I wouldn't have pegged you for a chicken, but if the shoe fits…"

"Look, I tried it once, ok? You _don't_ want to see the scar." He shuddered. "Trust me, she'll eat you alive. Just like, not in the kinky way."

"You're obviously not that creative then," Tony said imperiously, one brow arched with his belief in his own superior abilities. Steve silently shook his head in defeat.

"Whatever man, your funeral."

-uuu-

Things were not going according to Tony's plan.

He'd installed his devices seamlessly in the walls along all of the common floors, always within Friday's camera range. He'd looked for the Widow's traps as he did so, but he had yet to find any of them. He had personally ensured that there was no possible way to move around the tower without tripping at least some of the traps. _So how the hell has she avoided every single one?_

He knew for sure they worked. Cap had accidentally decapitated one that went off near him, and Wanda had stumbled into the kitchen looking as though a ghost were after her several times already. Pepper threw tea at his face after one went off on her (that had sucked). No, the traps themselves worked perfectly.

He'd only managed to catch her anywhere near a trap _once_. All that was visible on camera was her shadow at the edge of the frame, and the blur as she let loose with her knives and _pinned the wall panel shut_. He scowled as he examined the damage. Looks like Tower Repairs were going to be above budget again this year. Pepper was going to be pissed.

As if on cue, he heard the angry roar that signified his favorite science buddy had gone green.

Aw, hell.

-uuu-

Pepper sat in the lounge room, her arm around a still-shaken Wanda, and scowled at the sounds of destruction echoing up from the lab floors.

"Well, at least Bruce is getting revenge for you, Wanda. Even if that wasn't exactly his intention."

Jane shot a sympathetic look in Wanda's direction before returning to the holographic data she'd pulled up on her Starkpad.

"I doubt this will stop Tony for long," Sam spoke up as he made his way over to the couch and offered Wanda a glass of water, which she accepted with a tremulous smile.

"You're probably right," Pepper sighed, shooting Wanda an apologetic look. "He's like a dog with a bone once he gets these ideas in his head. You should probably stick with a team member at all times until he gets it out of his system."

"I will volunteer to stay with Miss Maximoff," Vision offered. "I believe my abilities are well-suited to defending her from any of his...ideas." He smiled tentatively at her, and she returned it with a small nod of thanks.

"Ten bucks says three more days," Sam started with a smirk. "Assuming the Hulk doesn't squash him by accident."

"Two days," Steve jumped in. "Tony's smart, he'll eventually realize it isn't working and switch tactics."

"Tomorrow." Everyone turned to look at Maria Hill as she and Rhodey strode into the room, dressed in tactical gear. "No reason, just a hunch."

Everyone looked at Rhodey expectantly.

"Oh hell no, I stay out of Tony's messes," he protested. "I'm hiding with Pepper until this blows over."

"If it's still going when we get back," Maria smirked. "Keep me posted. Captain, we need to fly."

"Yes Ma'am."

Her smirk turned evil as she left the room, Steve and Rhodey behind her.

"I get the feeling she knows something," Sam sighed as he watched her leave with suspicion in his gaze.

"Hill _always_ knows something," a voice behind him agreed.

Sam tried to whip around and lost his balance, falling half on the floor. Natasha stood behind the couch with a smirk on her face and one eyebrow lifted in amusement.

"Jesus, don't DO that," he complained, one hand on his chest. "I'm not as young as I used to be, and that's a _terrible_ way to die."

"By the way, Pep," Natasha ignored him and turned to her friend. "I can't think of a good reason to lure somebody down to Legal's floor to make them bleed on that godawful carpet, but if we stage a Hulk-out I could probably improvise."

A loud crash and an angry roar followed her statement.

"Oops," she almost looked sheepish. "Or maybe not."

Pepper sighed and rubbed her forehead.

"We think one of Tony's traps surprised him and set him off," Sam offered helpfully as he picked himself up off the floor.

Now she really did look sheepish, and a bit guilty.

"Sorry, Pepper. I didn't mean to give him ideas." She flipped neatly over the couch and landed on the other side of Wanda. "I only told him I'd trapped the tower because I thought it would be funny to watch him freak out trying to find the traps. There weren't any, by the way."

"Well, there are _now_ , obviously," Sam pointed out.

She glared at him.

"It sounds like Mr. Banner is beginning to wind down," Vision interrupted. "If you wanted to get to another room, now might be a good time."

Natasha and Pepper exchanged a look.

"Thank you, Vision, I believe that would be wise," Pepper smiled up at him and rubbed Wanda's back comfortingly. "Shall we?"

-uuu-

Tony sat against the wall of his lab, fidgeting nervously.

Man, he was really happy he'd sprung for hulk-proofing on the science level right about now.

The hall had gone ominously quiet, which hopefully meant that Big Green had shrunk back down into his science bro. Bruce would be upset, which was understandable, he supposed.

He would have to buy him that new plasma beam he'd been eying online.

When he determined enough time had passed with no sound of distant smashing, he shook himself, stood, and undid the high-tech locking sequence that kept his lab safe from the Hulk's fists. The glass door slid open with a soft hiss. He stepped forward with his usual confident stride, rounded the corner and immediately ran smack into Pepper.

She shoved him into the wall hard enough that he winced, and held him there with one hand. Her other fist hovered just inside his field of vision, glowing slightly orange with the power of Extremis. She looked... _displeased_.

Tony gulped.

"What the _actual fuck_ do you think you're doing?" She seethed.

"Right now, or in general?"

She increased the pressure on his shoulder.

"Okay, okay! I'm just going to check on Banner!"

"I have had _about enough_ of your tower-destroying, team-scarring BULLSHIT. You will knock it off _right now_. You will apologize to Bruce and Wanda. You will stay in the lab and _think about your choices_ or so help me, I will personally give Natasha all the rest of your override codes. Are we clear?"

"Wait, _the rest_ of my codes? How-"

" _Are we clear?_ "

"...yes, dear."

"Good." She dropped him to sag against the wall, shot him her best professional smile, turned and walked back down the hallway as if nothing had happened.

Tony stared after her, a little shocked and a bit awed.

"Someday, I'm going to marry that woman."

-uuu-

Bruce looked up from his holoscreens at the hiss of his lab door opening. He caught sight of Tony and scowled, turning back to his work without a word.

"Aw c'mon, Bruce, don't be like that."

Bruce switched screens and started entering a complex formula, his brow furrowing in concentration.

"By the way, that new plasma beam will be delivered tomorrow morning. Top of the line. Only the best for you, buddy."

Bruce ignored him, still focusing on his formula.

Tony tried the puppy dog face. Even Pepper fell for the puppy dog face! (Sometimes).

Bruce didn't even look up as he began to run calculations.

Tony sighed.

-uuu-

Natasha and Pepper sat in their hidden room before the wall of holoscreens, snickering at Tony as they watched him posture and try to catch Bruce's attention.

"Oh, this is gold," Pepper wiped a tear from the corner of her eye.

"Not as much as your little Extremis stunt earlier, that's going to cheer me up for the rest of the week." Natasha grinned appreciatively at her friend. "We did record that, right?"

"I've already sent the footage to your dummy box, Miss Romanoff."

"Friday, you are officially my favorite. No offense, Pepper."

"None taken, she's my favorite too," Pepper laughed. "Especially when she's getting me blackmail material of Tony trying to win his science boyfriend back."

A soft chuckle from the doorway caused Pepper to turn and smile at Wanda.

"So this is Mission Control," Wanda smiled cautiously at the other women as she looked around.

"This is it." Pepper agreed. "Which makes three of us now who know it exists. Four if you count Maria."

"Which you should," Natasha interjected.

"Which we should." Pepper smiled in agreement.

"Friday, can we get the audio from Bruce's lab?" Natasha expanded the video feed until it covered most of the screen. "It looks like things are getting goof down there."

Pepper leaned over Natasha's shoulder as Friday pulled up the audio feed and Tony's voice came over the speakers. Wanda watched from the doorway for a moment before leaving the other two to themselves.

"You know those new magnetic field generators I broke last week?" Tony was saying. "I was thinking we could fix them up together, like a sort of scientific bonding project. It would be great."

Bruce continued to ignore him in favor of the data on his holoscreen.

Tony slapped his hands down on the table and sighed.

"Okay, be real with me here for a second. What's it gonna take for me to make things up to you for earlier? Because I already said sorry and you're still ignoring me."

"That's how things work in the real world," Bruce sighed as he dismissed his work for the moment. "Things don't just magically get better because you apologized."

"Oh, so _now_ you're talking to me."

"Did you want to be real for a moment or no?" Bruce leveled him with a look.

"Right, right, sorry. Continue."

Bruce ran his hand over his face in frustration.

"Look, I just need a little time to level out after an... _incident_. And I need you to take down the rest of your little prank projects, if Natasha hasn't already done it for you. No more surprises, Tony." He sent his friend a sharp look.

"Done and done," Tony said quickly. "Anything else?"

"Well, that field generator project does sound like it'd be a nice break...maybe later this week."  
"Okay, great, sounds perfect." Tony was bouncing cheerfully on the balls of his feet.

"Good. Now leave me alone so I can finish this."

"Awww, look, they made up. How cute." Natasha's lips quirked in amusement. "Do you think they'll hold hands next?"

"Ha ha," Pepper said dryly. "Hilarious. Should I be worried about your apparent fixation on Tony's love life?"

"God, no," Natasha shuddered. "Don't even suggest such a thing. It's not _my_ fault he provides so much fodder."

"It looks like he's trying to get Bruce to ditch his project and play with him now." Pepper snorted. "Typical. Wait, what does he have there?"

They both leaned in further and stared intently at the screen, where Tony had produced some sort of gadget that glowed with traces of blue and was trying to offer it to Bruce.

"Is that…" Pepper started hesitantly. Natasha's eyes narrowed dangerously and she cursed in Russian. She spun from her chair and was gone in the blink of an eye. Pepper continued watching the screen as Tony turned, offering her a better view of the gadget he had clearly messed with, as he was now holding it at arms length as it shot blue sparks in his direction. If she wasn't mistaken...those appeared to be Tasha's prized Widow's Bites, and Tony was a dead man.

"He did _not._ " She moaned and covered her face with her hands. "First the Hulk, and now _her_...Tony, have you no sense of _self-preservation_?"

Apparently not.


End file.
